Today sure was an interesting day. I've decided to start writing the journal early (9:23), and maybe Ill finish it later, or now. Today was the first day with my new camera! I love this thing sooooo much! This morning was hectic. Nothing was ready. I had to do my current events, pack my backpack, print out my essay, take a shower, get dressed, pack my lunch, and fix the hair. Nothing was where it was supposed to be because of the vacation, and I woke up late because I stayed up late talking to girls I like telling me about the guys they are in love with, while I felt like a lonely piece of shit left on the side of the road to be forgotten. OK, so I left a little on the late side. I skipped breakfast but my mom gave me a slim fast bar. I got to school and the bell rang as I was about 200 feet from my classroom door. Grrr. So I sat through math and talked with Zac. Took some pictures of him, and some pics of Thu. Then I went to history. My teacher accepted my extremely late assignment without question. If she docks me points, Ill argue about it later, when she has forgotten about the ordeal and it will change my grade. At break I ate the slim fast bar, it was really good, it filled me up enough to make it to lunch, I think I will start taking a bar to school now. In English I found out I need to use two poor excuse passes on my assignment, so I have two more days to do it. Yay. It really feels like she has started dumping a whole lot of work on us these days. In physics I could follow along pretty well since I had already attempted the problem on my own. I looked at the clock and thought to myself "Wow, all this time and I haven't thought about Allison, I am doing so good!" which of course started me thinking about her. I sort of blanked from the class thinking about her. I thought it was about 20 seconds, but then I noticed the clock… it had been TWENTY minutes! Arthur said I had a dreamy look on my face. I can't believe I phased out for twenty minutes on her again. Speaking of how pathetic I am, I actually kissed my hand at the beginning of physics class because I was so desperate to have my lips touch some sort of skin. Seriously, I sort of made out with my hand a little. I am hopeless. At lunch I had goldfish crackers and green tea, it was yummy. I threw the goldfish crackers around a bit, but not anywhere near as much as the last time, it would have been cool to do that again. In Spanish I talked about getting sex like its no big deal, which it really isn't, to Paul and some other guy. They were laughing pretty hard calling me a pimp and stuff like that. A girl over heard and argued with me a bit, but I put her in her place. In CompSci I listened to the vot lecture, then talked with people and took pictures. Zac cut whatever his seventh period was and came to my networking class. That was cool. After that I was going to tennis, and saw Jessica in the hall. I took three pictures of her. She is so amazingly cute. I also took a short video of her on accident, wow… just… wow. I wish she felt the same way about me that I feel about her. Diana was there too, but refused to have her picture taken. Then I went to tennis. Kevin wasn't there, again. So I practiced with some other guy. When we played around the world, the last two players were Al (the number one player on our team) and me. I thought for sure he was going to kick my ass royally… but I won!!! That was a huge ego boost. So then I went home. On the drive home, there was a crazy guy. He ran me off the road, and I flipped him off and honked at him a lot. He broke hard in front of me, trying to make me hit him, what an asshole. I was exiting, and he was getting off at the same place. I was behind him, so he slammed his brakes again and I had to pass him. Then he stated to follow me, so I got back on the freeway and called the cops. I was on hold for a few minutes, and then they picked up. He tried to run me off the road one more time before he gave up and exited. So I got off the freeway and reported it to a cop. I told him my story three or four times and he said he'd write a report up on it and try and get in contact with the guy since I had given them his license plate. The cop noticed I had major tire damage. So I thanked him and said that I would get it fixed right away. He said he could have given me a ticket. So I drove home slowly and told the story to my dad. Then we took my car to the tire place. They are going to give it an alignment and replace the tire. It's going to be there overnight, I am going to miss it. So then I got home. I haven't worked on homework enough. I talked to Jessica, Kendra, and Allison. Jessica is cool. I looked at the pictures I took of her today, she is so cute. I played the little video I have of her over and over again. Allison is making me feel like shit. It isn't her fault, she just is. She has taken me on a real roller coaster ride: I like you, I like you a lot, I would have sex with you, I want a boyfriend, I like you, You have disappointed me, I'm ending it with you, I hate you, I still want to be friends, I like Nic, I hate Nic, I cant forget about you: I like you sooooo much, I like Nic, I love Jason, I want to sleep with you, no I don't. I think that pretty much summed it up. There may have been more in there, but those are the major ones. Its killing me, seriously, I'm not handling it well at all. She has somehow made me want her so badly. I get over her, then she changes, and I fall right back in again. A vicious cycle indeed. I will prevail. I'm not going to give up (on girls in general). Shit, I didn't do my reader's journal again. I guess I will finish it tomorrow. Oh yeah, and before I go, I need to write a bit about Kendra. This girl is so amazingly perfect. Well, ok, maybe perfect is exaggerating, but even my imagination hasn't come up with a better girl. She loves puns, her physical beauty is beyond description, she is fun, I can talk to her, she would go out with me, and to top it all off she's a Jew! I was talking to someone about her today. I don't even remember who, but I just wanted to talk about her. I wish she lived here. In fact, if god came to be right now, and said I could have one wish, I would wish for teleportation. She is the only girl I know right now that I could see really wanting to lose my virginity to, and maybe even save it for her, and that's saying a hell of a lot. (Oh yeah, and if you're reading this Kendra, don't get freaked out, I'm just a hopeless romantic kind of guy). Well, I feel pathetic enough for one night. The only other things that might happen is Allison makes me feel worse, and hopefully some readers journal.
This marks the one month anniversary of my journal! I am so amazed I have kept it going, onward to the one year mark! I love this thing.

I'm going to try and keep this journal entry short. I got up this morning and was pretty sad, so I jacked off. I've been doing that too much recently. I'm going to have to cut way back. There was too much to do this morning. I don't even remember it. Anyway, I had to drive my mom's car to school today because mine was in the shop. Driving the van is fun because it actually has a CD player, so I got to listen to the peppers on the way to school. I got there barely on time, and had a math test. I was fully unprepared for this math test. I hadn't studied at all, and had copied all the work on this chapter. Luckily it was an open book test and I am a genius, so I learned the whole chapter while taking the test, and I think I did pretty well on it. There were only a few I was unsure of, and my teacher helped me with those. History was pretty stupid. My class doesn't understand how to argue, and neither does my teacher. Also, they say things incorrectly, so I ask about it, and they don't even understand how they messed up! Grammar may not be important to you, but I am taking this class because I don't know about this stuff, and I don't just 'know what you mean'!!! Is it really that hard to speak accurately? In the third we talked in our little groups, I still haven't finished the book, so I couldn't contribute much. Brianna gave me a hot wheels car… that was cool. Physics we took a test. I wasn't ready for it; I don't think I did that good. Lunch was a French club meeting. The people played magic, and I ate and talked with people. I wanted to go take pictures of Jessica, but I can't go over there, it would be too weird. In Spanish I had yet another goddam test! I think I did well on it. In CompSci I should have worked on my readers journals but I read Ender's Game instead. In networking I was still reading, and then Kevin came. So I started whining and bitching to him like I've been doing the past week or two. He yelled at me, so I stopped. Then I got depressed. I didn't realize it, but whining to him had been helping, oh well. During tennis I wanted to find a dark corner and shut off all feeling and cry. I started getting really sad about Allison. We played around the world. I won again, no one even cheered, they are used to it. On the drive home I couldn't pay attention to the road I was so sad. I took pictures of myself driving. When I pulled into the driveway I hit the curb, I really should have been paying attention to driving. I listened to Californication, and then otherside three times. So then I went up to my computer and signed on. Allison had her away message on like usual, and I don't think anyone was really online. I looked at my cell phone. I had a missed call, so I called it and it was Jessica. She had called to wish me a happy birthday. Normally that would have filled me with joy, it didn't. Allison messaged me while I was downstairs eating. My dad had come home and made me a Boca burger with cheese, lettuce, mayonnaise, and avocado. It was so good. When I talked to Allison I didn't even try to hide my sadness. I let her know I was feeling like shit because of her. Things with her and Nic aren't working that well. She was talking about breaking up with him. She said she was thinking about being a friend with benefits with him. Which of course makes me feel like shit (more) because when she ended it with me her reason was she wanted a boyfriend and not someone to just fuck around with. So I went to Hebrew High, I worked on my reader's journal like crazy. I wrote on all the paper I had taken with me, I need about 100 more comments, I think I can do it and turn it in tomorrow, I just have to work on it tonight and then 1st and 2nd period. I have no clue how I'm going to get physics done. At Hebrew high I got the crazy idea in my head that I wanted to visit Allison. Not to fool around or anything, I just want to see her face to face again and hang out in her room. Also, I have a thing or two I want to give her. I took a picture of my artwork in my one class. I kind of like it. It is a drawing of stars behind barbed wire. It's supposed to represent the children who were killed. My dad had driven me there, since my car was being fixed. On the drive back he dropped me off at my car. The car drives SO MUCH BETTER now that I have a proper alignment. When I got home it took so much courage to ask Allison if I could come over. You have no idea. It was hard deciding to type it, it was hard typing it, then it was hard editing it, then it took all the power I had left to hit send. It ended up being a no, but I think it was a good no. I really want to go on like Thursday or something, but I don't want to push it. I really don't want to make it awkward or anything. I'm still undecided as to whether I want to bring it up again or not. I found out Allison and her father go sailing on their boat, I didn't know they had a boat or went sailing or anything like that! You think you know someone… anyway, she said that I could come along one of the times they go. I think it'll be a lot of fun. OK, well, I said this would be short, I guess I was wrong. Anyway, I think I'm feeling better. Writing about my day made me feel a little sad again, and not going over to Allison's house is a little saddening, but at least she had good/logical reasoning. There is a phrase that at one point I felt applied wonderfully to today: "Same shit, different day". I'm not sure I completely agree with myself anymore, but I thought I'd add that in there anyway. Off to do my reader's journals…

I woke up early today and took a fast shower. I knew I had to finish a lot of reader's journal still, and I had planned to work on it in the morning. I looked at the clock; I had stayed up till past midnight the night before writing my journal and archiving two weeks, so I was tired. I decided it would be a good idea to take a short nap. I looked at the clock and it was 6:15, when I saw it again it said 6:50, ten minutes AFTER I'm supposed to leave! I tried to get ready as quickly as I could, but got to school late anyway. When I got there I was reminded it was the day of silence. Being silent in math class was good; I worked on reader's journals the whole period. I got a 77% on my math test, and most of what I got wrong was stupid crap. I tried to get a little sign after first period, but they had run out. In my history class my teacher claimed to have one that she wasn't using, it took her a while, but she found it and gave it to me. I worked on my reader's journals all through that period too, and finished them! What an odd ending. I just skimmed through the rest of the book, I really need to go back and read it. Brett took a pic of me with my sign on. He was mad that I wasn't going to talk. Break was weird; I ordered a donut without speaking. That wasn't easy. I went to English, turned in the damn journal. Ms. K was observing the day of silence. We were given a vocabulary test. I don't know how well I did on it. I didn't study at all, but I think I did ok anyway. I helped Hugo out with a word that I noticed he was missing. Physics was boring, I thought of Allison, and we had to work in groups on a problem, which sucked since I wasn't talking. Lunch was kind of on the boring side. I ate my sammich, my rice crispie treat, and drank my green tea. I read my book, Ender's Game. I read it in English class and for silent reading too. In Spanish I hurried through the assigned work so I could read the book more. Then I read it all through CompSci and Networking. We had a substitute in those classes. During networking I had my first personal epiphany of the day. I realized that I was trying to be sad about Allison. I think the Offspring said it best: "The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care? Right??? Yeah Yeah Yeah." I realized I was trying to be sad about her, so I think I've pretty much stopped that. I still feel small pangs of sadness, but the depression is gone… again. During tennis I had another epiphany. I realized I have been using humor as a shield against the world. That's why I get so depressed; I hide myself behind humor, when I am a really sensitive person. I'm not sure I want to change that, but now I realize it. I guess I learned a lot about myself when I shut up for the day. I broke my silence when I was supposed to at the rally after school. Mrs. Grunthaner sang on the microphone, which is something I never in my life thought I would see. After that I saw Jessica and Diana, we took some pictures. That cheered me up a lot, they kissed and everything. It was very cool. Kevin hurt his ankle during tennis practice. It is possibly fractured. We still won 2 out of three games. I found out today that he has been with his girlfriend for 7 months now. I only found out about her today, and only had suspected anything for about a week or two. I can't imagine NEVER mentioning a girlfriend. I mean, cmon! He didn't even seem to want to talk about her. I gave him a ride across the street to the bus turnaround, and realized I had to go take a piss. So I left the car running, and ran to the bathroom. A guy was there with his girlfriend. We went into the bathroom at the same time, but he finished before me. When I walked out he was leaning against her against the wall. So I looked back and said "You shouldn't let him touch you, he didn't wash his hands" which was hysterical because he didn't. I think he was feeding her too! I just kept walking; I didn't bother seeing what happened. I'm an ass. So I drove home without incident and logged on to my computer. I talked with people. I was really happy. I had a pretty good conversation with Allison today. Any conversation is good where you are told you are the best kisser she has ever experienced by far. I can't wait to see how much better I get when I have a little more experience, since I've only ever made out with two girls. I read Ender's Game more, watched the Iraqis pull down Saddam's statue, and worked on my website. I made the picture I have of Jessica my background, I found myself minimizing windows a lot to look at it. I looked up airfare to Rhode Island; it would be 300-400 dollars for a CHEAP flight! I was thinking if I could get down there for 50-100 I might be tempted to do it… oh well. Zuhair offered me two dollars for lesbian porn of Jessica and Diana; I claimed they were worth a hell of a lot more then that. Oh yeah, and I told Allison is #1 on my top personality list. She was mad that she wasn't first on the cute list. I don't think she should be though. The fact that I like her personality way more then the way she looks is one of the ways I knew I really liked her for her, and not just her body. I want to see her again, she mentioned going to the beach. Sounds like good times to me, I don't care about the location, I care about the company. She also mentioned a 80s movie marathon, I don't know how serious she was about that one though. Oh yeah, and she mentioned hot tubing at my house too. Hmmmm, and we talked about sailing the other day, I don't think I'm going to see her again that many times. Don't get me wrong, Id live to see her every day if it was possible, but she continually whines about her filled schedule. Well, I'm pretty tired, and I want to read Ender's Game more. Today was a good day in Adam's book.

I'm hoping this entry is shorter, because its 11:30 and I'm tired. I think I woke up late, or took a long shower or something, because I was running late in the morning. My mom noticed and asked me if I wanted her to make me a sandwich. I said that'd be great. I got to school late anyway, but I was only about 30 seconds late for class, I don't think he marked me down for it. Rather then copying the homework, I just did it in class really quickly; it was really easy. I did my physics homework and read Ender's game while Zac and Vu downloaded videos of people dying and watching them on the computers in the back of the room. They showed me two or three of 'em, in one a kid tried to run across train tracks with a train coming, then thought better of it and tried to stop, but he was a bit late. Watching a human body get hit by a train is an interesting thing… it just goes flying. Reminds me how fragile we all really are. History was on the boring side. My group was supposed to get ready to present something. It was Steve-O, Arthur and me. We just sat around and talked, and the teacher knew full well that we were talking, but we didn't care, and she didn't seem to mind too much either. I took pictures, tried to harass Elizabeth a bit, but I just couldn't get on a roll. We ran out of time and didn't have to present, which is a good thing since Steve-O is the only one who even attempted reading it. Break was funny, Zac had written about how a cat is the best pet, because it teaches you that people will demand things of you while giving nothing in return your whole life, and that the things you love will die. So now the school thinks he's suicidal. This isn't the first time. He's a funny guy, he isn't suicidal at all: he's way too selfish to kill himself. He just does things like this because he thinks it is funny that the administrators become afraid for his mental health. I have to agree: it's hysterical. In English I pretended to work, but really I was reading Ender's Game. Physics was kind of boring, I didn't go over my memories of fondling Allison like usual, I paid attention and did stuff, how boring. Lunch was weird. My mom made me an avocado and cream cheese sandwich. It wasn't bad… well, yeah it was. I ate about 2/3s of it and threw the rest away. Luckily I brought butter pretzels… mmmmmmmm butter pretzels. Ms. Hope came to our table. I didn't exactly make fun of her, I don't know what I did, but it involved humor, me talking, and Ms. Hope. Whatever it was, it was hysterical and ended with Ms. Hope running away and yelling about her hurt feelings (she was just kidding around). Oh yeah, I know what I was doing: I was 'giving her a hard time'. Jackie sat next to me. She keeps talking about prom with me, and today she said "I love you, seriously, I really love you" which kind of scared me a little. I like Jackie, but I can't tell if she's trying to hint something. I don't know if I'd go to prom with her if she asked or not. She has a mean streak that can scare me quite a bit. Oh well, I'm probably just imagining things anyway. In Spanish class I finished what ever stupid work we were given, and started reading about Ender. I got to the big twist in the book! My jaw literally dropped. I couldn't believe it! Then the teacher wanted to do an oral exercise right after I read that part, yeah right lady! I'm reading my damn book. I couldn't put it down after that and finished it in networking. I read straight through CompSci except for a small time where I faked some work. It was raining, so no tennis practice. I had logged onto aim at school in hopes Allie might be on, she wasn't. So when I went home I logged on again because I know she usually gets home pretty early. She wasn't there. So I tried to make my website prettier. I had brainstormed a bit at school. I scoured the web for the info I need. I think I've found it, but the new thing is so complicated that I am having trouble understanding it. So I browsed Slashdot, talked to people (Steven DeWhitt and Fernanda IMed me for the first time today), and watched the new Matrix: Reloaded trailer 7 times. All the while trying to figure out how to make my website look pretty. I've made a template that I can manually add into all the pages, which would work, but if I want to make a change in the menu I would have to change EVERY page on the website! So I'm going to hold out a while longer and see if I can get this .css stuff working. Allison is leaving tomorrow; she is going to go camping at the beach. I sent her an email saying I loved her and cared for her. I wanted her to know that while she was there. She has told me she needs these constant reminders. In fact, it was kind of funny. I don't know if I'm imagining things again, but when I started talking about Kendra, I think Allison got jealous. She starting being pretty belligerent and didn't talk much. Either she was jealous or she just didn't care at all. I find the latter not very likely, which, by process of elimination, only leaves the former. If it's true, I find that funny. Mostly because she could have me if she wanted to and there's absolutely no reason for her ever to be jealous of anyone (at least where I'm involved). But speaking of jealousy, Jessica told me today about how she let some guy touch her boobies. That was uncool of her to tell me that. I got pretty damn jealous. I love that little girl; I certainly don't want to think of some cretin defiling her. Well, so much for a short entry, I guess I'm not good at short. It's a good thing my life isn't more interesting, or these things would be a book each. Well, I'm finally pretty much back to the state I was in before I met Allison: I'm interested in a few girls, and I'd like something to happen, but I'm not really actively pursuing anything. My stomach hurt when I wrote that sentence, I still don't want to admit defeat with Allison. Its 12:07 now, not bad, sometimes these take me much longer.

Well, this entry should be fairly short, because I'm writing it the day after, and I'm not sure I remember all that went on. The morning is a blur; I hadn't done any homework at all the night before. I stayed up talking to Allison because she will be gone this weekend. I wanted to tell her how much I care for her, but I couldn't get the courage to do it. So I sent her an email saying so after she left, I hope she got it before she left. I really do care about her a lot; I'm not obsessed with going out with her anymore, I just care a lot about her, I want her to know that, I want to be there for her, even if it's not as her boyfriend. It's actually kind of annoying; because my next 'goal' for if I ever go to do anything again with her was to give her an orgasm. She claims to have never had one, and I wanted to remedy that. I guess some things just aren't meant to be. Oh yeah, I did something kind of funny on the drive to school, I drove across three lanes, through some construction, made an illegal U-turn, and then had to drive backwards down the road… but it saved me two whole minutes off my trip! In math class I did my physics homework… in history, hmmm, I don't remember. Oh yeah, our teacher told us about a huge paper we have to do that she was supposed to have told us about earlier but didn't. English was more working alone. I think I stared at my book and sort of relived fooling around with Allison in my head. I like going over those memories in my head. I have a few that are my favorites: Staring down at her face while her shirt was off and she is smiling back at me, sucking on her boobies, the look on her face before we ran off into a dark corner, the feeling when I first put my hand down her pants, stuff like that. I think my favorite is looking down at her nude body with her smiling back at me; it was one of the most beautiful views of my entire life. Seeing her smile back at me in the nude, in her true and pure form, fills me with a happiness that is beyond the crude and brutish English language's ability to describe. Pure joy, bliss… those acmes of inadequacy are as close as it comes. Then I sort of relapsed her leaving me, I didn't feel sad, but I remembered the sadness of that time. I was inspired; I had two lines of a poem in my head, so I quickly got to some paper and wrote them down, a poem flowed out of me. I had three stanzas done and the bell rang, so I ran to my next class trying to keep the last stanza from disappearing from my mind. I wrote it quickly before I went into physics. I let Arthur read it, sort of a 'right-out-of-the-oven' poetry reading. I'm going to type it up and put it on the site, I like it a lot. The image in my mind was that of an insect trying to stop a skyscraper from falling. So in physics we really needed to do work, so I did that. We are doing an experiment. Lunch was cool, I took pictures, I took pics of Brett and Vy, they were really good. In Spanish class I made the people around me think I was on drugs. It was really funny. I also delivered a tape, wow. Compsci was ok; Mr. Novotny had one of his problems that he wanted the class to solve. I solved it at the beginning of class, before even he did, and he had already been working on it. I'm so uber-genius. Kevin injured himself playing tennis yesterday, so he couldn't play today. I had to be partnered with Ricardo, we won eight games, and lost three. I didn't trust Ricardo to do very much, so I ran around the court taking most of the shots. I worked up a real sweat, and when I walked off the court I was really ready for sex. I imagined what I would do to Allison that day if we were still doing things. I thought about Kendra too. I was so horny, I was in such a good mood it was silly. I even took pictures of me happy on the drive home. When I got home Zach called and asked to come over. I told him I would come and get him, but we had to go to a play at my school. He said ok, so I walked downstairs and just told my dad that I was going to pick Zach up. If I had asked, he might have said no, so I just told him. Oh yeah, I forgot, in the morning, I looked at my monitor (with the background image of Jessica) and imagined myself kissing it. Later in the day I was looking at it and actually tried to convince myself that it wouldn't be weird and pathetic to kiss my monitor. Luckily I failed, but the urge is growing stronger and stronger. I went and got Zach, brought him home. We played some CS while chatting online. Then we went to the play. The play was the absolute suck. The actors were horrible, after seeing Allison's play, this one looked like shit. Seriously, Allison's play was better in every way imaginable. Well, other then the fact that my friends were here for this one, that was cool. I felt kind of bad though, because I was sitting next to Tram, with my arm around her, playing Pool on Zach's palm pilot. Hugo gets jealous when I even hug Tram… It's his own damn fault for not doing anything. I'm not going to stop having fun with girls just because he is too much a wimp to ask her out. Thu even called my cell phone from ten feet away and asked what the hell I was doing. So I drove five people home afterwards. I drove fast because Hugo and Tram were in the car and I wanted them to fall on each other. As kind of a way of making up for playing pool with her. Arthur sat between Tram and Hugo, I could tell it wasn't his fault, he was trying not to, but I realized there was no way to fix it, so guess who got dropped off first… we went totally out of order of distance and efficiency to give Hugo maximum 'Tram Time'. Not like he did anything with it anyway, but I felt he deserved the opportunity. Then Zach and I went home. We played video games, and chatted online. He chatted with Diana from around midnight till 3:30 in the morning. I started to like her a lot less after that. Oh yeah, I forgot, after we got home from the play, we went to blockbuster with his gift card, we rented American Pie and bought two vanilla cokes and some kettle corn. We watched American pie and talked about girls. We talked about girls all night long, until like 4 or 5 in the morning when we fell asleep. We talked about other things too, but girls were definitely the main part of our conversations. Ok, so today was definitely good times. Well, I say today, but technically this is around 1600 the next day (I didn't want to write my journal while Zach was over, that would have been pretty boring for him I think). Well, this sure was a long entry, looks to be one of the longer ones.
-=Witty and thoughtful closing statement here=-

My dad woke me up around… uhhh… well, I don't remember. I got up and started copying some CDs that Zach had brought over. I didn't wake him up really quickly; I had remembered him saying that he wanted to sleep in. I don't remember what we did when we finally did wake him up. I think I talked to Jessica on AIM. It was funny, because my mom walked in and noticed my background image. She made me minimize the windows on the screen so she could see. Then I showed her the picture of Jessica and Diana kissing. Oh yeah, and the desire to kiss my monitor isn't going away. SO Zach and I went to go get breakfast. We made a quick stop at the drugstore where we got a toothbrush, toothpaste, and some candy. I called the checkout woman by her name (I read her name tag) and Zach told me that it dehumanized her by calling her by her name. I realized he was right. That was pretty funny, dehumanizing someone by calling them their name… We went to Ihop, had some food, and then I took him home. It was raining pretty damn hard. It's ALWAYS raining really hard when I drive him around. So he got home, then I went home. I followed a cop down most of the highway. When he started to move over and exit the highway, I started to pass him. He got on his little loudspeaker thing and yelled "Slow down!!!" I thought that was kind of funny, but I complied. Thu called me. She asked if I had noticed anything about her at the play the other night. I had been paying attention to Tram & Hugo and Zach so I said nope. She wouldn't tell me what it was that had happened, she called me oblivious. When I got home and asked Arthur he laughed at me. It turns out Asnavi and Thu got together, that Asnavi is the boyfriend that she has been talking about. This isn't huge news, one, I kind of already figured it out anyway, and two, whoop-dee-shit, why do I care? If I sound kind of bitter, it's because I'm mad at Thu. She should have told when it first happened, and she definitely should have told me when she was teasing me about it. She hurt our friendship badly, and I don't think it's repairable. I guess she just doesn't think about me the same way I thought about her. So then I started working pretty hard on my website. I noticed my camera wasn't on my desk, so I went looking for it. I couldn't find it. I realized I had left it at Ihop! So I called up Ihop and they said no one had turned it in. I searched more, and then told my mom. So we drove to Ihop to look ourselves. It wasn't there, and the staff had changed. We left a note with my cell-phone number and claims of a reward. I can't believe someone walked off with it; I love that camera so much. I was next to tears when we walked out of the Ihop empty handed. What kind of pathetic 'civilization' do we live in where someone can just walk off with something that isn't theirs? On the way to Frys (our cover for the trip) my mom told me that she would buy me a new camera, and that we wouldn't tell dad. At frys I didn't even ask for anything because I felt so stupid for losing the camera. We went to see if they had the camera there, they didn't, but I talked to this guy there and told him how good the camera had been for me, and the website I bought it from. He is probably going to go buy one now. While we were looking at a new PDA for my mom (she is so funny, she is manager of IT, so she could just make her company get her one, but she doesn't want to because she has ethical issues) my sister called with some crisis that she was crying about. So we went right home. My mom left with my sister, and I was talking to my dad downstairs about something when he notices some 'weird lighting' outside. He then proceeds to go out the front door to get a better look at the weird lighting. He notices a rainbow, and then exclaims that it's a full rainbow. So I go outside to look at it, it was very beautiful. He told me to take a picture with my new camera… I got out of it somehow. Then went upstairs and talked to people and played counterstrike. We had sushi tonight, and then watched Harry Potter 2 from somewhere in the middle. I was so tired that I actually fell asleep during the spider scene. My dad woke me up and I didn't even realize time had passed. So I went up to bed to 'lay down'. I woke up the next morning. D'oh. I kind of summed up all the important girl type things that have happened recently: Allison almost broke up with her boyfriend, Jessica is letting some other guy fool around with her and tells me about it, and Thu has been lying/hiding things from me (and to top it all off I lost my camera). Girls suck… well, I wish they did anyway. *sigh*

Today wasn't too bad. Jeez, I just realized, I woke up today and I think may have neglected to shower. I wrote my journal entry, and about half way through my mom handed me her credit card and told me to order a new camera. Somehow we decided to tell my dad that I had lost the camera. So we went down to tell him. He was on the exercise bike watching the news; it was not a good time to tell him. So I waited and my mom started making breakfast. She asked me what I wanted, I told her I wanted a piece of bread with an egg in the middle, she said she didn't have the ingredients, and sent me to fetch them and some yogurt and sobe. She wrote me a little grocery list (of four items) and gave me some sort of money card. I walked out the door, and then walked back in to get the list I had forgotten. I drove to the store without incident. I walked into the store confident that I would do better then the last time. I walked right to where the eggs were. I saw the ones I needed, so I looked though like four or five boxes before finding a good box of eggs. OK, one down, three to go. The bread was quite close, so it took minimal wandering to find it. Then it was yogurt time. I quickly realized that my hands were insufficient for this task, so I went and grabbed a little hand basket thingy. The bag lady smiled at me when I put my food in the basket, I must have had a look on my face like I had no idea what the hell I was doing. So I found my way relatively quickly to the yogurt. My sister had wanted coffee flavored yogurt, they didn't have that. So I grabbed the three other flavors, then three more of my own choosing (this took about seven minutes). Then it was off to find sobe. I found it fairly easily, but didn't have any room left for the million green teas we usually buy, so I got four. Then I checked out relatively easily, except I first got in the express line, then realized my stupid mistake and switched. So I got home and we started to eat breakfast. I couldn't think of a good way of telling him, so I just blurted it out. At first he yelled, and I started crying. I hate disappointing someone I love so much. I think I cried for more reasons then that though. The joys of stress. He calmed down pretty quickly when he saw me crying, and told me that it was ok, that it was only money. He then quickly took action and called the Ihop and took down notes on how we were treated and everything. He is such a cool dad, he is going to call their corporate headquarters and 'complain bitterly'. I should have told him sooner, I won't hesitate again. I think I sat around and played video games the whole day (and finished my entry for the day before). That was good times. My dad came and talked to me, he said that he would get me a new camera. That was cool. I love my parents a whole lot. They are the nicest people in the world to me. I got to talk to Kendra today. She was the bright spot of my day. She sent me a new picture. Holy shit that girl is beautiful. In every way imaginable. She's the kind of girl I want to marry when I get older. I don't think there is a single thing I don't like about her. I told her that her body is perfectly proportioned. She asked what that meant; I said everything was the right size in relation to everything else. It's so true. Her breast are the perfect size, her waist matches exactly, with her hair being the right length, she is the right height, and he waist is the right size with the right curves from her midriff, and her legs are the right length. She is truly gorgeous. Not to mention she is smart, witty, and has a fun personality. Somewhere around like 6:30 I went and got some books and a haircut. I got the next book in the posleen series. I read a bit of it while waiting for my haircut, I can't wait to read the whole damn thing. I also got two of the books in the ender's game series. I can't wait to read those too. The hair guy dyed my hair blue. I didn't ask him to. I wanted it pink for Allison, but I don't even know if I want that anymore. I had a weird talk with Allison tonight. She was making me feel like shit. She talked about how she is going to break up with her boyfriend, which of course makes me feel horrible since she passed me up for him. Then she told me how she didn't even notice another guy she met this weekend was also named Adam, after she had used his name a few times in the conversation. So then she started yelling at me about not knowing some guy. I couldn't take it anymore; I broke and told her I was sad. So she yelled at me more about how pathetic I am. I told her I was sorry, but that wasn't enough. She made me tell her more. So I did, and she yelled at me more, and said that she didn't care about me. I felt so bad. I don't know why I feel so bad anymore. I should be used to this by now. How many times do I have to be told I'm a pathetic loser and that she doesn't want me but thinks I'm so pathetic that she has to lie to me and tell me that she still cares about me? I wish I could just be over her. I just wanted to crawl into a dark corner and puke and die. You know what's really sad? Quite a big part of me is sad that I keep forcing her to tell me she doesn't like me and that I'm pathetic. I actually pity her having to tell me that because I know it can't be easy to tell someone those things. I feel bad bringing this stuff up again, especially after she just got back from a place she loved. I'm no longer giving happiness, I'm just taking it away, and that's the last thing I want to do. Allison just mentioned my latest poem. She liked that I scanned it in. That poem describes how I am feeling right now. But I think I'm getting better already. My heart has gotten quite a work-out. It is now strong and ready to quickly mend it self. I just don't ever want to stop feeling with it. Even these bad things. They will only make my eventual triumph all the much sweeter. I've sat here for ten minutes trying to think of a way of ending this entry, and I think I've found it: I wish Kendra lived closer.